Friendship Heart-ed

I really don't know if I really am a big heart-ed person, trying to be one, or only pretending to be one.
Whatever the case is, I am just afraid of being hurt. Mentally. And since I can't stand the pain in my body (my pain tolerant improved since I came back from Cambodia)... well.. you guess!

My friend told me I am a very weak person, physically, yet have a strong heart. At this point of my life, I kinda doubt that. Maybe it's just me being all sensitive before my period. But yeah... only heaven knows.

I am not having a boy problem or heart broken. It's more of an ego issue. A friendship problem. I am not saying having no friend will make things better, just like saying having no boy/girl-friend is better than having one. It's just, being ignore by someone you thought you are special to them as they are for you make things worse.

A quote from Peter Winstanley

Walking, working, barely breathing
My thoughts, far away
Heart aching, mind racing
Sleep does not come easily, nor last long....

Not quite right...

Another quotes just to tell what I kinda want

If you're alone, I'll be your shadow.  If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder.  If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.  If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.  But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.  ~Author Unknown

Oh well...
Shit does happen...

Inner Peace

Have you ever feel lost and have no place to run to?
Have you ever been in a situation where you have to hide your true feeling, faking smile, pretend you don't care but the truth is that you are crying for help and comfort?

I used to feel this feeling, feel lost like I can't breath anymore because they suck all air around me.
My fake smiles only made me feel even worse. It doesn't solve anything. I am the type of person, who could borrow one ear or two just to make me feel better.

But this time is different. I feel completely lost and lonely and trap. So bad till I can't tell anyone how miserable I was.

One moment, I decided to make peace with my inner side, my God. I started to pray more often. Having deeper faith and utter resignation. Daring myself to go back to church (before this, I am kinda ashamed going to church because of all that I've done. I felt like, I don't deserve to be here. That's why I don't go to church often - other than being lazy off course).

I never expected the feeling would be totally different. I thought I won't feel anything, I won't solve anything. But I was so wrong.

I feel peace and comfort. Like being around my mom and dad.
I feel love and forgiveness. Like the feeling when my dad said it's okay after I did something wrong.
I feel happiness, friendship, and many other things that makes me feel stronger and less lonely.

I feel the true friendship, someone that will never leave you alone. Someone that wont give you headache for the dramas. Someone who love you unconditionally. Someone who truly love you.

Baby steps of my life - graduation feeling

How does it feel to be graduated?

Like every small steps you are taking in life, it feels very good! At the moment it happened.

I remember during my defense, the night when I prepared the presentation, the confusion on picking the clothes I am going to wear. It was tense, stressful, fun, and many other feelings that came with it.

And I remember I almost late going to my defense, when my mom called me crazy coz it's 20 minutes to the defense but I'm still at home. But hey I made it in time ;). I presented what I need to present. I explain what I did and how I operated.

15 minutes of waiting and they starting to tell me what I need to improve. Till the end, they told me I passed. I was delighted.

And here I am. Still thanking God for His miracle and help. But the happiness is diminishing. The stress level is increasing. I need to start moving to the next step of my life, finding a job, applying for master degree.

The baby steps of my life need to continue. And I am taking action to move my legs forward (thought is so bloody slow)