Inner Peace

Have you ever feel lost and have no place to run to?
Have you ever been in a situation where you have to hide your true feeling, faking smile, pretend you don't care but the truth is that you are crying for help and comfort?

I used to feel this feeling, feel lost like I can't breath anymore because they suck all air around me.
My fake smiles only made me feel even worse. It doesn't solve anything. I am the type of person, who could borrow one ear or two just to make me feel better.

But this time is different. I feel completely lost and lonely and trap. So bad till I can't tell anyone how miserable I was.

One moment, I decided to make peace with my inner side, my God. I started to pray more often. Having deeper faith and utter resignation. Daring myself to go back to church (before this, I am kinda ashamed going to church because of all that I've done. I felt like, I don't deserve to be here. That's why I don't go to church often - other than being lazy off course).

I never expected the feeling would be totally different. I thought I won't feel anything, I won't solve anything. But I was so wrong.

I feel peace and comfort. Like being around my mom and dad.
I feel love and forgiveness. Like the feeling when my dad said it's okay after I did something wrong.
I feel happiness, friendship, and many other things that makes me feel stronger and less lonely.

I feel the true friendship, someone that will never leave you alone. Someone that wont give you headache for the dramas. Someone who love you unconditionally. Someone who truly love you.

Baby steps of my life - graduation feeling

How does it feel to be graduated?

Like every small steps you are taking in life, it feels very good! At the moment it happened.

I remember during my defense, the night when I prepared the presentation, the confusion on picking the clothes I am going to wear. It was tense, stressful, fun, and many other feelings that came with it.

And I remember I almost late going to my defense, when my mom called me crazy coz it's 20 minutes to the defense but I'm still at home. But hey I made it in time ;). I presented what I need to present. I explain what I did and how I operated.

15 minutes of waiting and they starting to tell me what I need to improve. Till the end, they told me I passed. I was delighted.

And here I am. Still thanking God for His miracle and help. But the happiness is diminishing. The stress level is increasing. I need to start moving to the next step of my life, finding a job, applying for master degree.

The baby steps of my life need to continue. And I am taking action to move my legs forward (thought is so bloody slow)

One Last Week

Time is really really running faster lately!

I can't believe I only get one week left in Cambodia. Felt like yesterday when I arrived at Phnom Penh, alone and lost coz no one forgot to pick me up at the airport. Drove around for $7 (freaking expensive! damn tuk2 driver!!) from airport to the city. Went to Top Banana only to step in for 5 minutes and left totally freak out coz I saw drunk group of men laying around at the lobby with weed and bottles of boozes laying around on the floor. At that time I thought "DAMN!!! I SCARED!"

One week.. Two week.. I'm getting used Cambodia. Yeah.. though if I said Cambodia, I mean the village-out-of-civilization where I stayed all this time (let's called it Sre Ampil) and PP. And now, one week left from departure, I feel kinda happy/sad. Happy coz finally I could face my defense! (abnormal, I know!). Whatever the case, I learned many many things here.

I killed my fear against insect.
I dreamed to go to dangerous places.
I learned how to be a meannie to people who want me to ~ yesh... neorago!
I fell from Motorcycle ~ actually thrown away from motorcycle
I got wounded and bruises and off course mosquitoes bites!
I was punched, body slammed, suffocated, restrained, burned~~ what actually I'm doing in Cambodia????

But... One thing for sure, it made me a stronger than ever person!

THANK YOU CAMBODIA!!

PS: Your food makes me fatter as well! :|

My first and last eating dog meat :(

Before the Khmer New Year (13 - 15 April) Kamworks staff decided to make a barbecue party. With $5 contribution from each member, the barbecue was supposed to have many many of beer and meat!

Being all excited on what kind of meat will be served during BBQ, I marched to the front line of the table and volunteered myself to help the chef. That was the time I learned that they served DOG MEAT.

I vowed never to try the dog. But then my friends forced me to try it. Curious by the taste of dog. I decided to take a bite from my friend (he ate a big chunk of it!).

I have to admit the chef is very good! It actually taste like beef.

However, struggling to chew it for 5 minutes, I failed to swallow it. I had to run to the toilet to throw it out of my digestion system. I couldn't get rid the picture of a very cute puppy from my head. I really promise myself I wont eat such cruelty ever again!

What would happen if a frog does sunbathing?

Few weeks ago, under the hottest sun of the day, my friend called me because he found something that looks like a frog right in the middle of our yard. I went out to see what's going on, only to find out that it was indeed a frog laying in our yard.

Curious because a frog never go far from water but this one was brutally sunbathing, we started to observe the brave frog with a thorough view. The frog sit still. With the head looking straight to the sun.

We got more and more curious. We decided to find a stick and poke the frog. The brave frog felt like stone! At that moment, we thought that the frog was not really a frog, but a stone carved as frog. However, seeing the detail of it, we still think that was a frog.

Finally, an idea popped up in my head. What if, this is a MUMMY of a frog?

Learning by Doing

How are you today Dee? Pretty good I supposed.

However, today I just happen to realize something that for some people might be obvious. I really wish I could remember them all and make each of them different post. But seeing that this late already, like 11 something, and knowing I am far from good with my memory, list is all I could offer.

1. I know that boys really like challenges and chasing after girls. But once the girl notice him. VOILA! He just changed to back-off-you-annoy-me self. I didn't even do anything other than being all friendly. Then, once I decided to back off - doesn't see the sense of staying for such a weird creature, he starts to come around. Oh BOYS..... Why do you do such thing?

2. I could overcome my fear once I am being exposed too much of it. Off course I am talking about insects *my favorite topic of the year* I guess. I still remember few weeks ago, I don't want to touch them at all. NO THANK YOU. But now... I just don't bother to touch them anymore. Not even afraid of them. Guess soon I'll dare to eat them. WAY TO GO GIRL! :)

3. Working is really fun. But no. I am not a workaholic or someone who turns to one. I just start to think I might fall in love with my work.

Okay.. I really dunno what to write. And even how to write properly. It's 12 and I need to sleep.

SLAAP LEKKER!!!

War Declaration against Mosquito

I still remember how much I hate insect at my first week in Cambodia. They are just every where. Crawling on my bed, my laptop, myself. I hate them!

Maybe the fact that I am staying right in the middle of the village without electricity and the only place that has it is my house, attracts them even more. Some days there are many of them. Some other days, they are just like gone. Being surrounded by insects, and sometimes gecko, frog, and spiders, has make me a stronger girl. I have no problem on touching them at the moment. Well... other than the big one and the bite one, they are just insects anyway.

One thing, however, changed. It is the mosquito. During my first week, when I was still busy chasing other insect away, I have no problem with them at all. I think it is because they prefer to bite my housemates then me and since this place only have one common place, I stick together with him a lot. No mosquito bit me.

Good things always come to an end! At this point, those darn mosquito are getting bored of eating my housemate! They are starting to bite me, who completely out of ammo to fight back. My anti mosquito bracelet power wear off, I just don't use kelambu when working out or sleeping, and it's too hot to wear long pants and sleeve clothes.

As a result, I got plenty of bites all over my feet. I don't know why, but it's only on my feet - thought at the moment, they are going to my upper body as well. One of my good habit, scratching, also makes things even worse. My mosquito bites look like a swollen wound. Ugh... ugly!

And this weekend, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I went to an aphoteek and bought some gel for the bites and some garlic pills since I heard mosquito hates them. I also don't like garlic. So that why the pill takes over.

I also put my electric mosquito repellent on near me the whole day. Spray my chair with mosquito repellent, put anti mosquito frequency in my phone and laptop. Basically, prepared myself to the worse.

So mosquito... I declared war to you!!!