My Idealism

As who am I to try to convince people what the best is. Yet, I acknowledge my basic human right, freedom of speech . Toward the idea of what a retard kind of opinion that might pops up when someone read this. I don’t care. That much.

 It's about my idealism. A simple thought just enough to say what kind of person I am and why I do certain thing. Maybe it's called the core value of a human being - I'm not sure since I was graduated as philanthropist and not a psychologist.

 Anyway, my idealism is as simple as "Treat people the way you want to be treated"

In practice: 

• Don’t bug people unless I want to be bug by them 
• Never say bad things to someone or using bad tones that might hurt them on purpose unless I am ready to be treated like that - heck! I don’t wanna be hurt by sarcasm. 
• Cant let someone feel ignored and unloved coz I've been there and it totally kills.

And other stuff.

My sister was kinda helping me by making it simple and called my idealism as 'a complete egoist'. I heard it as if she's said 'you are an egoist bitch!'. Tells me that I am too ignorant. As much as I love arguing - it's a new branch of sport for me, I can't seem to get this straight with her.

Let me try to make it clear why I think it's a good idealism.

Seeing that I don’t wanna be treated like hell, I try to do good to people. As good as I could. I don’t do colonialism toward people weaker and smaller than me coz they are all human who have hearts. Every moment when I am not under alcohol or high-level of stress, I always think what it is for them. How would I feel if I were them.

I never understand some people who acknowledge themselves as 'caring, nice, understanding' person, but shows different reaction. This is what I meant: have you ever know anyone, who always treat you in a way hurt you, like borrow money from you, and you always let them do that. But once you asked them to lent you money, they were treating you like a beggar who's going to steal his money. RUBBISH!

Or someone whose heart easily hurt when you talk sh*t to them. But they always do the same thing to you? You need to pay attention to what you say to them and look at them! Throw rubbish right into your eyes. OUCH!

I HATE that kind of people.  If I talk rubbish to someone, they can do the same to me. If they disrespect me, tell me one reason not to do that back.

And just because I care and being nice about someone, doesn’t mean I like them or they treat me lightly. There is reason for everything. I just don’t want to let anyone feel alone, unloved, forgotten. I always trying to be A GOOD FRIEND and if that creates misunderstanding or it gives you a reason to bully me. Use me as your garbage can. As your television. As your pillow. Sorry sir. You need to get away at this instance!

Yeah… and still people think I'm an egoist bitch. Life oh life…

Life

Old proverb says, life is like a wheel. One day your on the top. The next day you might be on the lowest bottom. When you are on top, enjoy it. Feel it. It won't last forever. Neither when you're in the bottom. Be strong. Do your best. As one day you will get back to the top and you surely do not want to forget how it feels to be in the bottom.

New proverb says, destiny is in your hands. There is no such thing as coincidence and you are what you made yourself into. Always work to the hardest. Fulfill your inner and outer needs. You will be just fine! There is nothing to put you down.

I am what you call, the combination of old and new. Just like a new year eve. I humbly stated that I totally believe in what you call destiny. The higher power that human can't control. The wheel of life. Yet, I also believe you are the one to determine the speed of its rotation. The faster the speed, the less you would feel the up and down in it.

Anyway, this morning I wonder where is my current position. I figured, probably I am at my bottom with deviations, means I might going there or leave there. Which is fine. Totally. Well… maybe not really.

Graduation and Job? That's my wheel's peak.
Working and Work out? That's my stress relieve.
Myself and Family? That's what I live for (at least now)
Personal Relationship with people who USED TO be close to me? Aaaw… somebody kill me!

I wonder what have I done to make me deserve it. But then again, I'm only human who often feel perfection is my middle name. Maybe I did something in the past that hurt them, and now as the wheel turn down, the karma are going back to me. I am sorry people. For what I did :)

Well… Look at the time. I gotta go back to work! My sweet escape! (Oh no!! I'm losing it).

I might post something again soon. If I'm still feeling blue. Or pink. Or purple.
WATEVER.


The past is the past.
Move on.

It is not the present.
Learn something.

It cannot be the future.
Afraid not.


Move on.
Learn Something.
Afraid not. 

As the past is the past.
Not the present.
Nor the future.

The Over-Nourished and The Mal-Nourished

In my life's book, being an over-nourish woman, I always get so jealous of model like skinny people and how I curse my rather impulsive eating behavior that sometimes turn into a psychological problem. I always think that these skinny people are so damn lucky because they could be so thin, it's amazing in my eyes.

And that's when the devil called "diet" comes to the thought.

Thinking about number of food I've wasted just because I want to look like those skinny person. Number of food I've consumed just because I want to eat them. Impulsively.
Number of food I always left in my plate every time I eat out and order too much or when the lady put too much "things-i-don't-like" on my plate.

Now I turn the page in my life's book. Forget about those skinny supermodel like that I am carving to have body like. Who probably do similar thing as what I 'normally' do but in a more successful way.

There are also other skinny people, who I rarely seen in my life before I was half-forced to turn my eyes into them. The malnourished.

How society, lifestyle, and environment treat them unfairly. These children, come from a very poor family with dozens of children. Their parents only know how to made them without even care to give a proper care to them. Give them $1 and they will gladly spend it on cigars while force their 5 months baby to eat rice that they chew first to make it 'soft enough' for the baby. WTH?!

And one who does care for their baby, do not have enough food or money to buy them food. People like me, with tons of wasted food. Also contribute to what happen to these babies.

If only all the wealthy enough people care to share their food with those who malnourished, perhaps there would be no more babies die because they couldn't get enough food.

People like them, who just want to eat to be healthy but can't afford the food.


vs

People like me, who are blessed with food, but decided to waste them just for stupid reasons.

The movement of a parasite

I am in the middle of the biggest change in my life. Change from being a student, the living parasite for my mom, into an unemployed, even worse parasite. Yesh. I got my degree!

Being unemployed actually changed me in a way. I recollect things that I left behind in the past, either by accident or on purpose. I came closer to my Lord and try to redeem every mistakes I made in the past (while still doing most of it, off course, I'm just a human with need).

I found worried, peace, comfort, confusion, many many things during this period, that hopefully changed me into a better bigger person (NOT physically).

Graduation ceremony, is kinda marking the path that I left behind. All (almost) 20 years of education, 5 years in college that seems like forever, that influenced my life, how I think, how I behave (that apparently very confusing for many people), and in the end lead me to be a mature D.

I am no longer a confuse teenagers that trying to find what to do, where to go, how to behave and who to follow.
I am the exact myself with all my stupid noble idealism, that believe the Almighty will use me to change the world into a better places.

So.. yeah.. I know I have changed from being a parasite into a superwoman wannabe. But hey! Dreams can come true if u dare to work it out anyway!!!

Friendship Heart-ed

I really don't know if I really am a big heart-ed person, trying to be one, or only pretending to be one.
Whatever the case is, I am just afraid of being hurt. Mentally. And since I can't stand the pain in my body (my pain tolerant improved since I came back from Cambodia)... well.. you guess!

My friend told me I am a very weak person, physically, yet have a strong heart. At this point of my life, I kinda doubt that. Maybe it's just me being all sensitive before my period. But yeah... only heaven knows.

I am not having a boy problem or heart broken. It's more of an ego issue. A friendship problem. I am not saying having no friend will make things better, just like saying having no boy/girl-friend is better than having one. It's just, being ignore by someone you thought you are special to them as they are for you make things worse.

A quote from Peter Winstanley

Walking, working, barely breathing
My thoughts, far away
Heart aching, mind racing
Sleep does not come easily, nor last long....

Not quite right...

Another quotes just to tell what I kinda want

If you're alone, I'll be your shadow.  If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder.  If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.  If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.  But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.  ~Author Unknown

Oh well...
Shit does happen...

Inner Peace

Have you ever feel lost and have no place to run to?
Have you ever been in a situation where you have to hide your true feeling, faking smile, pretend you don't care but the truth is that you are crying for help and comfort?

I used to feel this feeling, feel lost like I can't breath anymore because they suck all air around me.
My fake smiles only made me feel even worse. It doesn't solve anything. I am the type of person, who could borrow one ear or two just to make me feel better.

But this time is different. I feel completely lost and lonely and trap. So bad till I can't tell anyone how miserable I was.

One moment, I decided to make peace with my inner side, my God. I started to pray more often. Having deeper faith and utter resignation. Daring myself to go back to church (before this, I am kinda ashamed going to church because of all that I've done. I felt like, I don't deserve to be here. That's why I don't go to church often - other than being lazy off course).

I never expected the feeling would be totally different. I thought I won't feel anything, I won't solve anything. But I was so wrong.

I feel peace and comfort. Like being around my mom and dad.
I feel love and forgiveness. Like the feeling when my dad said it's okay after I did something wrong.
I feel happiness, friendship, and many other things that makes me feel stronger and less lonely.

I feel the true friendship, someone that will never leave you alone. Someone that wont give you headache for the dramas. Someone who love you unconditionally. Someone who truly love you.

Baby steps of my life - graduation feeling

How does it feel to be graduated?

Like every small steps you are taking in life, it feels very good! At the moment it happened.

I remember during my defense, the night when I prepared the presentation, the confusion on picking the clothes I am going to wear. It was tense, stressful, fun, and many other feelings that came with it.

And I remember I almost late going to my defense, when my mom called me crazy coz it's 20 minutes to the defense but I'm still at home. But hey I made it in time ;). I presented what I need to present. I explain what I did and how I operated.

15 minutes of waiting and they starting to tell me what I need to improve. Till the end, they told me I passed. I was delighted.

And here I am. Still thanking God for His miracle and help. But the happiness is diminishing. The stress level is increasing. I need to start moving to the next step of my life, finding a job, applying for master degree.

The baby steps of my life need to continue. And I am taking action to move my legs forward (thought is so bloody slow)

One Last Week

Time is really really running faster lately!

I can't believe I only get one week left in Cambodia. Felt like yesterday when I arrived at Phnom Penh, alone and lost coz no one forgot to pick me up at the airport. Drove around for $7 (freaking expensive! damn tuk2 driver!!) from airport to the city. Went to Top Banana only to step in for 5 minutes and left totally freak out coz I saw drunk group of men laying around at the lobby with weed and bottles of boozes laying around on the floor. At that time I thought "DAMN!!! I SCARED!"

One week.. Two week.. I'm getting used Cambodia. Yeah.. though if I said Cambodia, I mean the village-out-of-civilization where I stayed all this time (let's called it Sre Ampil) and PP. And now, one week left from departure, I feel kinda happy/sad. Happy coz finally I could face my defense! (abnormal, I know!). Whatever the case, I learned many many things here.

I killed my fear against insect.
I dreamed to go to dangerous places.
I learned how to be a meannie to people who want me to ~ yesh... neorago!
I fell from Motorcycle ~ actually thrown away from motorcycle
I got wounded and bruises and off course mosquitoes bites!
I was punched, body slammed, suffocated, restrained, burned~~ what actually I'm doing in Cambodia????

But... One thing for sure, it made me a stronger than ever person!

THANK YOU CAMBODIA!!

PS: Your food makes me fatter as well! :|

My first and last eating dog meat :(

Before the Khmer New Year (13 - 15 April) Kamworks staff decided to make a barbecue party. With $5 contribution from each member, the barbecue was supposed to have many many of beer and meat!

Being all excited on what kind of meat will be served during BBQ, I marched to the front line of the table and volunteered myself to help the chef. That was the time I learned that they served DOG MEAT.

I vowed never to try the dog. But then my friends forced me to try it. Curious by the taste of dog. I decided to take a bite from my friend (he ate a big chunk of it!).

I have to admit the chef is very good! It actually taste like beef.

However, struggling to chew it for 5 minutes, I failed to swallow it. I had to run to the toilet to throw it out of my digestion system. I couldn't get rid the picture of a very cute puppy from my head. I really promise myself I wont eat such cruelty ever again!

What would happen if a frog does sunbathing?

Few weeks ago, under the hottest sun of the day, my friend called me because he found something that looks like a frog right in the middle of our yard. I went out to see what's going on, only to find out that it was indeed a frog laying in our yard.

Curious because a frog never go far from water but this one was brutally sunbathing, we started to observe the brave frog with a thorough view. The frog sit still. With the head looking straight to the sun.

We got more and more curious. We decided to find a stick and poke the frog. The brave frog felt like stone! At that moment, we thought that the frog was not really a frog, but a stone carved as frog. However, seeing the detail of it, we still think that was a frog.

Finally, an idea popped up in my head. What if, this is a MUMMY of a frog?

Learning by Doing

How are you today Dee? Pretty good I supposed.

However, today I just happen to realize something that for some people might be obvious. I really wish I could remember them all and make each of them different post. But seeing that this late already, like 11 something, and knowing I am far from good with my memory, list is all I could offer.

1. I know that boys really like challenges and chasing after girls. But once the girl notice him. VOILA! He just changed to back-off-you-annoy-me self. I didn't even do anything other than being all friendly. Then, once I decided to back off - doesn't see the sense of staying for such a weird creature, he starts to come around. Oh BOYS..... Why do you do such thing?

2. I could overcome my fear once I am being exposed too much of it. Off course I am talking about insects *my favorite topic of the year* I guess. I still remember few weeks ago, I don't want to touch them at all. NO THANK YOU. But now... I just don't bother to touch them anymore. Not even afraid of them. Guess soon I'll dare to eat them. WAY TO GO GIRL! :)

3. Working is really fun. But no. I am not a workaholic or someone who turns to one. I just start to think I might fall in love with my work.

Okay.. I really dunno what to write. And even how to write properly. It's 12 and I need to sleep.

SLAAP LEKKER!!!

War Declaration against Mosquito

I still remember how much I hate insect at my first week in Cambodia. They are just every where. Crawling on my bed, my laptop, myself. I hate them!

Maybe the fact that I am staying right in the middle of the village without electricity and the only place that has it is my house, attracts them even more. Some days there are many of them. Some other days, they are just like gone. Being surrounded by insects, and sometimes gecko, frog, and spiders, has make me a stronger girl. I have no problem on touching them at the moment. Well... other than the big one and the bite one, they are just insects anyway.

One thing, however, changed. It is the mosquito. During my first week, when I was still busy chasing other insect away, I have no problem with them at all. I think it is because they prefer to bite my housemates then me and since this place only have one common place, I stick together with him a lot. No mosquito bit me.

Good things always come to an end! At this point, those darn mosquito are getting bored of eating my housemate! They are starting to bite me, who completely out of ammo to fight back. My anti mosquito bracelet power wear off, I just don't use kelambu when working out or sleeping, and it's too hot to wear long pants and sleeve clothes.

As a result, I got plenty of bites all over my feet. I don't know why, but it's only on my feet - thought at the moment, they are going to my upper body as well. One of my good habit, scratching, also makes things even worse. My mosquito bites look like a swollen wound. Ugh... ugly!

And this weekend, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I went to an aphoteek and bought some gel for the bites and some garlic pills since I heard mosquito hates them. I also don't like garlic. So that why the pill takes over.

I also put my electric mosquito repellent on near me the whole day. Spray my chair with mosquito repellent, put anti mosquito frequency in my phone and laptop. Basically, prepared myself to the worse.

So mosquito... I declared war to you!!!

The MoonLight - Introduction

Realizing that I am not a very consistent and easily distracted person, it is indeed so hard for me to continue writing the blog in daily or weekly basis. And seeing that my previous entry had been deleted purely by my stupidity, I just think it is a sign for me to start creating a new line of my thoughts.

First thing first,
I am no longer in Holland. Not like I am being kicked out from the country because I was doing some drunk and disorderly, but it's more like I was being called by other country that are closer to home and probably need me more than Holland. (Off course I couldn't ignore the fact that I need to run away from Holland because of my own complicated life).

However.... YESH! I am in Cambodia at the moment. A simple geographical background, Cambodia is an ASIAN country and NO it is not located somewhere in Africa. It's a really exotic country with some black stain in it. Let's see... child prostitution, they have it here. Land Mines? There is a museum for it. Body guard with gun? Everywhere. Yesh! Very interesting country indeed.

SO... what exactly am I doing in Cambodia? I am working as an intern in a solar company called Kamworks. My work focus mainly on the business scheme for their product called MoonLight. A round solar power lantern that can be carried everywhere.

The target of the product is most Cambodian who is still living under the poverty level, untouched by the power grid, and use kerosene lamp as their source of lighting during the night. The idea is MoonLight could replace the kerosene since they are bad guy! They burn houses, choke people with their smell, and the light is bad. SO... MoonLight is trying to be a hero here by trying to kill the lamp and replacing them.

I am so proud that I could be part of the MoonLight nobility. Just like Alfred serves Batman, I wish I could serve MoonLight and make them the Hero of the Night!

VIVA MOONLIGHT!!!!

to be continued... :)